Syrian Crisis: an Intelligence Report

Disobedient-51, my number three and my most reliable source of clean and un-peppered intelligence has just sent me a wire of the following intercepts from the CIA, Shin Beit and Mossad.

Thank you D-51, I love you, and if your sources say otherwise, they are lying and they should be decomposed in a bath tub full of Sulphuric acid by now.

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Wire E.D.B.T.Z:
Crossed at 1:13 PM, January 10, 2006

Subject: This time I did no sexual favours to get this
To: The Supreme Commander of the Civil Disobedience Movement, The Illustrious O.D.M

Comrad O.D.M, I hope this wire finds you well. I am in X2RR2 now and the Bird has reached the Nest. The sky is blue, and gases out of the bear are full of methane, therefor very flammable, trust me.

Here is my intelligence reports of today. Jenna and Laura Bush says Hi, and Bush loves your kyte gift, he says he is flying it all the time. He also says Happy Eid.

-Given the current Israeli Circumnstances, Israel is not comfortable with a "New Regime in Syria". There have been no solid contacts with any opposition members, because none of them have a solid outlook.

-The back channel requests have proved effective between Syria and America. Prince Bandar have conveyed Syria's concessions to the US. The concessions themselves are too harsh that they still effect the longevity of the regime, therefor, the US "may" allow Saudi Arabia to help President Bashar in maintaining his throne. Concessions are already being implemented, Syria has already deployed The 6th Armored Division, with the 12th and 98th Armored Brigades and the 11th Mechanized Brigades in the Boukamal Region, and posted an addition of 2,300 soldiers along the Iraqi border. Major reforms are on the way. But again, the US believes that Syria has reached a dead end, but with these concessions the Bath regime will crumble slowly, giving the U.S. and other interested parties enough time to establish communication with the potential new government.

- Mr. Khaddam and the Millitary council will be placed on the US' black list, and will not be supported.

-Iraqi border will reopen soon.

Some of the intercepted Syrian concessions include:

- Surrendering requested Syrian officials, excluding the President Himself, Maher and Asef.

- Stage Civic Courts to try officials involved in corruption, including the families of Assad, Shaleesh, Douba, Shihabi, Makhlouf, Khouly, Haidar, and other members of the Parliament.

- Defining the borders with Lebanon, giving back any land annexed over time by Syria

-Opening Syrian Embassy in Beirut and assigning an Ambassador.

-Renegotiating gas and electricity deals with Lebanon and striking deals beneficials to both countries.

- Requiring Visas to Arab tourists and visitors coming into Syria.

- Help in finding who has directly been involved in the past assassinations, even if it includes Syrian involvment.

- A slow phasing out of litrature pertaining to the Golan issue. Extending the need of serious talks for another 30-50 years, until Syrians face the fact that the Golan will never be returned, but will be much easier to access by Syrians to and fro.

- Full Parliamentary elections by the end of 2007.

- Ah, D-51 heard of a mandatory oral surgery that ends President Bashar's lisp problem.

More to come.